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Overcome Confidence Killers by Tapping into Your Unconscious with Michele Molitor
On this week’s episode of The Leadership Habit podcast, Jenn DeWall talks about confidence killers with Michele Molitor. Michele is the Founder and CEO of Nectar Consulting, Inc., and co-author of the best-selling book, Breakthrough Healing. She works with executives and entrepreneurs bringing over 25 years of experience, intuitive insights and strategic business savvy to their success. She is an expert at enhancing the capacity of leaders, their greater, emotional, social, and leadership wellbeing, helping them to build inclusive company cultures that result in trustworthy teams that are more productive, passionate, and profitable. Enjoy this episode as Michele and I sit down to talk about how we can tap into our unconscious to overcome your confidence killers.
Meet Michele Molitor, CEO of Nectar Consulting, Inc.
Jenn DeWall:
On this week’s episode of The Leadership Habit podcast, I am sitting down with Michele Molitor, and we are going to talk, talk about how you can tap into your unconscious to reach your success. Holy cow, tapping into your unconscious. How did you even come to be, or how did your work come to be, Michele? And thank you so much for joining us on the show, but we’re going to be tackling something that I think is going to be so intriguing and so interesting today, but out of curiosity, how did you start your journey into this line of work?
Michele Molitor:
Well, first and foremost, thank you so much for having me on the show, Jenn, it’s a real delight to be here with you again. And gosh it was a strange and circuitous route that brought me to my work. I was a creative director in web development in my former career. And it was very exciting. It brought me here to the San Francisco bay area at the height of the Dot Com boom, the original one back in 2000. And it, it was really, really fabulous. I was building this amazing team as part of a global web development company and I hired two guys to be art directors underneath me, you know, on my team. And they made it really clear in short order that they didn’t like working for a woman. And I essentially got bullied out of my job by these two guys that I hired that had really big egos. And I didn’t have the chutzpah that I have now, and I didn’t know how to, I didn’t know how to handle it. And essentially they chipped away at my confidence that ultimately led me to getting fired. And it was devastating was really, really devastating. I had worked, you know, my whole career to get to that fancy corner office and that fancy six figure salary and boom, there I was and I was like, oh crap. Now what do I do?
And I really suffered a whole huge imposter syndrome of what do I do now and who am I? And oh my gosh, no one will want me and I can’t give my resume to anybody. And so I hired a coach, this thing called career coaches back then, I was like, where do I find one of those? I’ve never heard of that. And so in the process of being coached, it was like all the cells in my body came into alignment and was like, “Do This!” I was like, oh, this is the work that I’m meant to be doing. So I literally changed careers. I got trained and certified and hung out my own shingle with Nectar Consulting in 2001. And I’ve been doing it ever since. And along that path, I’ve, I’m very curious. I’m a learning junkie. Can I have another workshop please?
What is Rapid Transformational Therapy?
Michele Molitor:
And so I’ve been trained and certified in a variety of different coaching modalities and healing modalities. And the most recent one that I came upon that was so transformative for me in my own personal development is called Rapid Transformational Therapy or RTT for short and doing this work enabled me to get at blocks that I had been trying to root out for 20 something years in a matter of weeks. And so when I was able to create those shifts for myself like that, I was like, whoa. And it was the same thing. My whole body was like tingling. Like this is the next level of mastery. So I went and got trained and certified in RTT and have combined it with my coaching, my 20 years of coaching and what I call rapid rewiring. And so essentially all of that to say, I’m a little mind detective I go in and I work over zoom like this with people all over the world to help them discover the limiting beliefs they’re holding deeply lodged in their subconscious, that they don’t even know necessarily are there.
They just know that they’re stuck or they’re blocked, or they’re having these chronic health issues that they just don’t know how to move beyond. And so when you can get at those root causes and literally rewrite the rewrite, the neural pathways in your brain with new empowering beliefs, everything shifts and changes for the better. And it’s, it’s a beautiful thing to behold,
Jenn DeWall:
Oh, that was a lot! And I’m so excited to dive more into tapping into our unconscious and our TTX. There’s so many questions that I have about your rapid rewiring process, but I want to also acknowledge, and also for our listeners, I’m sure you would do the same. There are so many people that are extremely talented that have found themselves in situations that are likely similar to yours, where you hire that person. You worked your tail off and invested time resources, sweat to get to that corner office, and then to have it not go as planned and to ultimately have it go in the opposite direction that you could have ever dreamed of.
Jenn DeWall:
And I just want to acknowledge the difficulty in being able to go from that place to where you are today. And I also hope that our listeners listening to this can also understand that those situations happen in work and you’re not flawed. You’re not, you know, you don’t lack, worthiness or value these things happen. And we’re going to talk about how we can tap into our consciousness and you’ll be inspired by Michele today. But I just wanted to acknowledge that because I do experience different or hurdles in my professional career. And I think in the beginning, you really start to take that as just a tattoo that’s printed on you. It’s part of you, it’s who you are. And it is incredibly difficult to see beyond it when you’re in it.
Michele Molitor:
Oh, totally. I couldn’t agree more. It literally took me years, years to get past what in my mind was shame and guilt. And I felt like such a fraud and oh, all of these things, but it truly was just these two men’s egos coming up against my ego. Right? And their hurt and their wounds coming up against my hurt and my wounds and it, and it created this garbled mess. Right? But once I was able to reframe it and look at it through different lenses, I was slowly able to regain my power to regain my confidence from it, which is why I’m so passionate about helping people reclaim their confidence to get past imposter syndrome, because it can be so painful and it can be so challenging and it really can stunt your career if you let those fears overtake your brain. Right.
Why Should we Tap into Our Unconscious?
Jenn DeWall:
Yeah. Absolutely. Thank you so much for just like acknowledging again, bringing up your, your experience, your journey, how you were able to reflect. And you know, we don’t have to look back at these career challenges, obstacles with bitterness and still holding onto that negative energy that maybe was experienced in it. We can also learn to like move past that. And I, and that’s all about tapping into your unconscious. So, I mean, I know there’s more work beyond that, but why is it Michele? Why is it important to tap into your unconscious?
Michele Molitor:
So if you break down the workings of your brain, right, 90% of your brain power is operates from an subconscious unconscious level. Right? It’s only that 5 to 10%. That is our conscious, critical thinking, right? From our prefrontal cortex. So all your emotions, how you, your body works on automatically your, your beats all by itself, that’s all happening because of the subconscious elements happening in your brain and your nervous system. So the beliefs that we create about ourselves at a very young age, tend to get registered in our subconscious and then they stay there nice and neat and stored away until we come across something like that event as a young adult or an adult and your brain goes, oh, no, it remember that happened to you when you were five. Don’t do that again. Right? There’s a part of your brain called the amygdala, which is your fight, flight or freeze mechanism. I like to call her Amy. Amy’s the little lizard lady who lives in your limbic brain and she’s in charge of keeping you safe and alive and on the planet. Right? And so when you’re a little kid, if you have these traumatic events, whether it’s, you got bullied on the playground, or your parents said something ugly to you, or your siblings said something mean to you, or you suffered some kind of, you know, serious trauma or abuse. All of those from one end of the spectrum to the other, they leave these indelible marks in your subconscious. We make decisions about ourselves as little kids, because our brain just takes in this information and it lodges and stores there in our subconscious, it doesn’t get processed.
It just drops in like a sponge. So you’ve got all this data sitting there, guiding how you move through the world to be safe, right. But as an adult, if you start to recognize, wow, I have this pattern, this way of operating in the world to stay safe, but it’s really not keeping me safe. It’s making me really uncomfortable. It’s making me anxious. It’s worrying me. It’s creating all these blocks in my world. Maybe I should get rid of it. But then you’re like, well, I don’t exactly know where to find it. Like what drawer is it in? In the back of the closet? I just don’t know where it is. And so through the work that I do with folks, I’m able to literally help them relax into an alpha brainwave state. It’s that half-awake, half asleep place, like you’ve just come out of a nap.
And in that state, I’m able to access your subconscious and literally have a conversation with it and find out what is at the origin point of that belief or that block that you have. And from that point, we can literally rewrite it. We re we reduce, we eliminate the emotional charge that you made up about it however long ago it was. And we just neutralize it. It would be like pouring baking soda on it. That’s all we’re doing. Right? And then you rewire the neural pathways in your brain for new beliefs. I am enough. I do believe in myself, I am worthy. I have value, whatever those old belief stories are for you. And that enables you to show up with greater confidence to take back your power and to navigate through your world differently than you ever have before, because you’ve moved all of that old junk out of your trunk that you don’t need anymore.
Jenn DeWall:
Oh my gosh. I, you know, Michele, I think people may not even realize. So, you know, we talked about this in the, in the pre-call or I guess before we hit record, and I was just coming from a day of bouncing around meetings and I would identify as a workaholic. And when I make that connection, yes, it comes from that subconscious or unconscious belief, which was rooted in my childhood right on I’m older than a child. And I still hold on to the belief of I’m not good enough, which then throws into the workaholic mode. You got to work, got to prove it, got to do your best. And then ultimately I still feel like I’m dropping the ball because I don’t have enough time to actually do all the things in the way that I want to. But I say that because someone listening, you know that I’m not good enough. You might initially say that that’s not, that doesn’t relate to me, but what you might relate to is being a workaholic. Or like, what are you trying to prove? And maybe that’s the language that resonates with you, but you know, what do – what are the benefits when we can truly tap into our unconscious? And what are the benefits that people see? I know we talked about being able to flip it, but what have you noticed with your clients?
Michele Molitor:
Oh gosh, I have so many stories. Folks that I’ve worked with, you know, they’ll come to me with one thing. So they might say I have my own business and I keep coming up against this financial barrier. And I’d like to bust through that, that financial barrier. And, and every time I get close to that, you know, X dollar mark, I self-sabotage, my revenues fall. And then, oh yeah. And then I get this horrible bout of IBS or inflammatory bowel syndrome. I was like, oh, well, how about we fix that? She’s like, okay. Right. And so doing this work, what we got to at the root of it was a fear of being too powerful, of being too successful. Right. and so when we neutralize that we eliminated and then rewrote the story around it. Not only did she have her best month ever after we finished our work, but her body stopped doing the fear response of the IBS reaction. Right? So after 15 years of dealing with IBS, chronic IBS, it was gone. So it’s not only about increasing your confidence. It’s not only about feeling like you can create greater peace and calm in your body, but it’s also the mindsets we carry about ourselves often manifest as chronic physical ailments in our bodies.
I’ve treated folks with chronic IBS, chronic fatigue migraines, psoriasis, arthritis, anxiety, depression, addictions, all of these tend to be rooted in these negative beliefs that we hold about ourselves. And then they get amplified over time by other events that happen in our lives. So we need to go back all the way to the root of it. And you change that story. Then it creates a positive ripple effect all the way forward, which has an amazing effect.
The Power of Thoughts to Overcome Confidence Killers
Jenn DeWall:
I have a question and I was just more curiosity question for you because I was leading an event yesterday, and we were talking about the power of our thoughts and how they can impact what we do. And I know you and I share a lot around, you know, understanding how we’re setting yourself up for success in that regard. But I came across an individual and I love when I hear this individual that says I don’t have negative thoughts. I never have a single negative thought. And in my, I guess in my experience, I find it hard to believe that someone doesn’t, but I’m curious what you think about that?
Michele Molitor:
That’s a nice story that they’re telling themselves, because nobody escapes having negative thoughts, right? It’s it’s, we’re programmed from the moment we’re born, right. As a kid you’re growing up, you want to do something? No, don’t do that. No, don’t touch that. No, don’t do that. Right. We get reinforced with no’s all the time. And as we grow up those that programming that we received – good, bad or ugly. Right? Is what stays and reinforces in our own minds conversation. So I’ve been doing 20 years of personal development, right? I’m a personal development junkie. I will admit it. The brain fascinates me. I like to read things about neuroscience for fun. And, and I still have negative stuff happening. So the person who says, oh, I don’t have any, that’s a very nice facade of, I’m fine. I’m fine. Don’t look behind the screen. Don’t look the man behind the curtain. It’s like the wizard of Oz. So for those who are listening and they think, oh, I’m good, I’m fine. Like, great. And start to notice throughout your day. Like I always say, how, how, what percentage of your thoughts are above the line or below the line? So above the line is I’m peaceful. I’m happy. I’m ecstatic. I’m joyful. I’m excited below the line is I’m numb. I’m bored. I’m anxious. I’m worried. I’m upset. I’m depressed. I’m despondent. Right? It’s all vibrational energy emotions are just vibrations. And so the lower you are on the scale that the darker it gets. Or the higher you are on the scale, the brighter it gets. And so just start to notice how much of your day is spent above the line or below the line. And if you’re spending more of your time below the line, well, then you might want to get some help from someone, right. It might be a coach. It might be a therapist. It might be in RTT specialist. It might be your, your pastor at your church, it might be a close friend. But to help you process and move through those, because if we don’t process those emotions, then they will get stuck. Right. One of my favorite quotes is emotions that cannot find their vent in tears will cause other organs to weep. Oh, right. So that’s Dr. Henry Maudsley from like the 1895’s.
Jenn DeWall:
So our emotions that cannot find their voice in tears will cause other organs to weep.
Michele Molitor:
I.e., if you don’t process that emotion it’ll get stuck and then it will manifest in some other way.
Jenn DeWall:
Yes!
Michele Molitor:
Right. Cause we’re really good at stuffing our emotions in the closets. I’m fine. I’m good. I don’t have any negative emotions. Right? But if you just allow yourself to feel your feelings and let them move through you, then they they’re like clouds passing in the sky. They just keep going by. But when you take that dark, dark cloud and you stuff it in a box, well then now you had a dark cloud in the box, in the closet, and eventually he got a whole stack of them. And then when are you going to do with it? So but we’re, we’re taught to not feel our feelings. We’re taught not to, to show our fear, our worries, or anxiety. We have to keep it all together and look good. But no, we don’t, it’s actually really detrimental to your mental health and wellbeing by suppressing your emotions.
Jenn DeWall:
Gosh, I just thank you for sharing that quote. I think it’s, I hope that for the people that might have been initially listening to this kind of thinking, oh, this is another one of those woo-woo conversations that, you know, doesn’t impact me. It likely does. And maybe it’s just so rooted in your unconscious that you just haven’t, as you said, like paid attention to what’s below the waterline. This is just an opportunity to be more curious with yourself because we all have it. And I know even a lot of research I forget what podcast it was, you know, I was listening to Brené Brown, I forget the guests that she was interviewing and just talking about, even that burnout is a result of unprocessed emotions. You know? So if that’s a phrase that you understand, again, it’s tied to your emotions, so you’re a human being, you experience emotions, pay attention to them. And I like how you talked about you know, that dark cloud that you’re just putting it into a box. And maybe how I see that is I picture, and this is likely, I’m guessing the origins of this as a therapy term, but my husband and I just went through foster parent training and they really teach you to be aware of the invisible suitcase that a kid brings along.
It’s what you can’t see that is there. It’s with them the entire time. And knowing that every single child has an invisible suitcase, that it’s your job to try and hold space and to help. And I think, you know, that’s what that black cloud reminded me of is that invisible suitcase that we all carry.
So how do we see this show up when we’re a leader at work? Like what can this look like? So we’re talking about the unconscious, we’re talking about that, that cloud that’s in a box that is unprocessed emotions. How does this show up when we’re at work as a leader?
Accept that Your Personal Life Comes to Work with You
Michele Molitor:
Well, and that’s a great question, Jenn, because a lot of people think, oh, I leave my personal life at home when I come to the office. Yeah. Except if you, you know, if you stubbed your toe really badly in the morning, are you limping around the office? Yeah. When do you do, I’ll ask them, and they are like, oh, I stubbed my toe really bad. Yeah. It’s the same thing. If you had an argument with your partner, right. Or your roommate or whomever, right? You show up at work as a leader. If you’ve got this noise happening in the background in your mind, it’s a distraction. Right. And emotionally it creates a toll that keeps you from being fully present and fully focused. Right. on the work at hand another, another way of coping with that emotional noise from our other parts of our lives is to be a workaholic. As a recovering workaholic, I used work as a way to keep myself busy, so I didn’t have to feel the feelings that I didn’t want to feel because they were uncomfortable. That was really uncomfortable. I don’t want to look at that. Hey, look, I can sit at my computer for four more hours. Yeah. That’s a good idea.
And so as leaders, it’s really important to notice where is the edge of your comfort zone? Right. And noticing if I push past the edge of that comfort zone, am I going to die? Am I going to break? And what’s, what do I think is going to happen? If I do that thing that makes me feel really uncomfortable, right? And that might be as simple as speaking in front of a group, right. Or doing a big presentation for your boss and you get all nervous and anxious and worried and fretful and it has to be perfect. And it’s like, no, we’re all perfectly imperfect. Right. We talked about this the other day. And so just noticing what’s really needed here. And if I step beyond the edge of my comfort zone, what do I think is really going to happen? Not what my fear brain is telling me, but what my logical brain is telling me. Oh, well, I might, I might get something wrong, but I won’t die and I probably won’t get fired. So. Okay. And I’ll be human, just like everybody else. So it’s a way of giving yourself some more breathing room and giving yourself some grace.
Jenn DeWall:
I love that. I mean, that hits me because I know even from the workaholic perspective, I’ve always been on the line, so I know you’re not supposed to be there, by the way. So it’s, it’s, this is work that we will continuously do. And I think there’s the ebbs and flows of life that push us there, pull us back or, you know, we level out. But yeah, it’s hard to turn off the workaholic brain for me because it’s, well, will I miss an opportunity? Will I, you know, do something like I have to keep hustling. And when I think about that, and the periods where I’m not working long days, then yeah. I feel like, well, Jenn, you’re not doing anything, so nothing’s going to happen. You know? So it is, that is the fear piece. And, you know, just saying it to other people, if you’re thinking about how this really shows up at work, it could be you being a workaholic. But on the flip side, it could also be how you manage the relationships at work or how you treat people at work, how you treat your customer. You can be extremely frustrated with yourself and then lash out at someone, even though that’s not who you are at your core, or maybe, you know, it’s not just overworking. Maybe it’s been holding people to an unrealistic expectation of performance.
Michele Molitor:
Yes. That’s very, very common. Right. You know, I always say that the fish rots or thrives from the head down, right. So if you have a chief cheese in charge that is a workaholic, they usually have a high bar for everybody else on their team. And so everybody else is spinning really, really fast. Right. And, and so you get to notice is that culture, the right culture for you to be a part of, right. Is it healthy for you? Is it a place that has you feel like you’re thriving or is it depleting you actually? In the long run, right?
And so that, you know what you were talking about that sense of, well, I’m not doing enough if you’re just resting, I’m not doing enough. That part of that is, you know, FOMO, fear of missing out. Right. Well, if I just do more, then I’ll be in the know I’ll be plugged in. Right. And I’ll have all these opportunities coming to me, but here’s a little secret Jenn, for you and everybody else who’s listening is that it takes balance. Right? We operate from our masculine and our feminine energy and our masculine energy. Is that doing, doing, doing that, getting from point A to point B that driving that accomplishing, whereas feminine energy is resting and receiving and allowing, right? So you can’t just like breathing. You can’t keep breathing out and not take a breath in. Right. You have to, you have to give and you have to receive, you have to give and you have to receive.
So when you learn to find that balance in your life of giving and receiving right. Resting and working. Then you’ll have more space. Right. And you’ll have more mental space to then have the creative juices to do the things that you really love with more energy, more vitality and not feel so depleted all the time.
The Rapid Rewiring Breakthrough Process
Jenn DeWall:
Yeah. Thank you for saying that, that really resonated the in, out of, you know, breathing in versa or breathing out all the time, like pushing forward, pushing forward doing, but like breathing in to reset. I love that example. So let’s, let’s dive a little bit more into RTT because I still feel like I can’t even appropriately remember what it stands for. That’s okay.
Michele Molitor:
Most people can’t, so we get some acronyms.
Jenn DeWall:
What is it doing in our unconscious like that process of RTT?
Michele Molitor:
So it is Rapid Transformational Therapy is a unique combination of what I think are the best of all worlds. Right? So it brings together cognitive behavioral therapy, neuro-linguistic programming and hypnotherapy. And I add in coaching to create my Rapid Rewiring Breakthrough process. Right. And so in this process, what we’re doing is essentially having you sit back and relax and you just listening to the sound of my voice. And as you listen to the sound of my voice, you becoming more and more relaxed. And as you become more and more relaxed, you’re allowing yourself to drift into a deeper and deeper state of rest and relaxation. And the more we go into it, the deeper you’re falling into this alpha brainwave state, that half-awake, half asleep place that we talked about a little earlier.
And in that place, your subconscious, the gateway to your subconscious is more available, right? So I’m able to literally have a conversation with that 90% of your brain versus the 10% of your conscious brain and, and ask simply what’s at the root cause of this feeling not enough, this feeling of I’m not worthy, I’m not valued, whatever that, that underlying core belief is, that’s driving you to work so hard. Right. And in that your subconscious mind is like a brilliant computer. It has all the information stored away, neat and tidy. Right. And it’ll bubble up to the surface, just the right information that you need to know in that moment. And we do this a few times and you’re able to connect the dots between what might seem like disparate events in your life. Right. And you’re able to go, oh, now I understand why those things have me behave this way now.
Right. So here’s a, here’s an amazing example. A woman that I worked with, she had unusually sweaty palms and feet. Right. I think we talked about this on our intake call. Right. And she had tried everything. It was embarrassing to her. She didn’t like it. And nothing seemed to really work. And so through the RTT, what we were able to determine was that she was really shy as a little girl. She didn’t like that her big sister got more attention than she did. And she felt scared when she had to be left on her own in front of her house. Her mom would have to leave her there and wait for her sister to come home while she went to work, all of these things in and of themselves, they make all sense. But when she put them together, she saw very clearly how, the sweating, the sweaty hands and the sweaty feet was the best way for her to process her emotions.
Because you weren’t allowed to cry. She was British. Right. Don’t cry, stiff upper lip. Right. But to also get more attention than her sister, right. So her subconscious decided, oh, we can kill two birds with one stone here. Right. We’ll just create this little sweaty palm thing, right. To help you process. Literally she crying from her hands and feet. Right. And was getting this extra attention from her parents, more than her sister. Except she kept going and it kept going and it kept going. And she was 43 when she, you know, showed up to do this work. And she was like, I can’t stand this. How do we, you know, and literally being able to put those dots together just as her body created it as a way to protect her and to serve her, we are able to say, you know, we don’t need that anymore. And we turned it off literally. And it was done.
Jenn DeWall:
That is powerful. That’s incredible. I mean, the gift that you gave your client, like that’s incredible, but I think it takes, I mean, it takes doing the work. It takes really wanting to do the work to understand that we all have those invisible suitcases or that unconscious that is either working for, or against us. And I know one of the things that we want to talk about is also how, you know, we take that and understand unconscious, and there’s a huge physical issue to all of us as individuals, whether you’re a leader or not, it’s just if you’re human, but then also understanding how your unconscious really will impact your ability to be a confident leader. And so let’s talk about how our unconscious can impact our confidence. What ways have you seen that? Well, you know, because we make these decisions about ourselves unconsciously at different points in our lives, not just when you’re a child, but all throughout your life, right.
What Are Your Confidence Killers?
Michele Molitor:
Something happens. You know, a significant other leaves, right. Just decides, Nope, don’t want to do this anymore or walking out. Right. And you’re like, whoa. And so then we unconsciously or consciously make a decision on, oh, I’m not good enough. I’m not worthy. I’m not lovable. Right. All of these decisions that we’ve made about ourselves are lodged in our subconscious and they impact how we show up. Right. And, and so if you’ve got decision points to say, no, don’t be too loud or don’t stand out or don’t toot your own horn. Right. That’s not what we do or that’s not how our culture does it, or that’s not how our family does it, whatever those beliefs are. It all can have a serious impact on your own level of confidence, which then has a huge impact on, on how you show up as a leader.
You know, as I lost my confidence back in 2000, it felt like it really got shattered. I’ve spent a lot of time researching, like where does confidence come from? And where do you find it? Is it in your back pocket? Where is it stored? Can I buy some at the store? I need another dose please? Whatever that looks like. And what I found is it’s these beliefs that we hold about ourselves, that, that dim our confidence. We’re born confident. We’re born with self-esteem and self-worth, and self-love, but over time, those things get stolen from us or they get clouded or shrouded because of the fears from our life experiences. And so all of that impacts how, how we do our jobs and how we move through the world to be safe. And so when you’re able to identify those hidden beliefs, those negative beliefs that we hold, and flip them, then your confidence naturally starts to rise and your energy expands. You’re lighter, you’re brighter, you’re more magnetic and you become more what’s the word I’m looking for. You resonate differently as a leader from that place. And it’s the, it’s the very subtlety of it that most people don’t realize. And it’s that thing that people have, has people lean in and go, wow, I really liked that, Jen, there’s something really amazing about her. She’s just so vibrant? And so people want that vibrant energy. A lot of people don’t have it. Right. And so they lean into leaders who have that je ne sais quois, that I don’t know quite what they have, but I want some of that, please. I’ll have what she’s having thing that allows them to show up a little bit differently and then inspires other people to want to step into their own confidence in new ways.
The Top 5 Confidence Killers
Jenn DeWall:
Yes. I mean, I, oh my gosh, I’m so excited, because we’re going to get into your five confidence killers, now! And just reminding us, you know, as you were talking about that, I’m sure someone could listen right now. Think about when you maybe didn’t get that promotion that could have created a message saying you weren’t, you weren’t good enough. Or when you got a piece of feedback that was maybe less than beautiful, right? Less than glowing. And then all of a sudden you computed that as like, oh, that’s another way that I made a misstep. So these things can be small instances that combine and cumulate over time. And I just want people to pay attention to maybe how they’re processing some of that stuff, because we’re going to talk about what gets into your confidence now or what essentially kills your confidence. And that is the thing that you need to have influence to have your team want to follow you. So, Michele, what are the five confidence killers?
Confidence Killer #5 – The Habit of Discontent
Michele Molitor:
Oh, there’s a fun collection I found. And I like to count them down from five to one because they all have an impact, but the number one is just The Number One. So the fifth one number five is the habit of discontent. It’s that, Something’s not right, so let me do more, work more, have more to try to fill that hole of discontent. It’s that that sense of dis-ease. So we’re constantly looking outside of ourselves to fill that hole. So that’s where the habit of busy-ness starts. Right. So then we get caught in this swirl. I’m discontent. Maybe if I work a little harder than I’m really busy, but then I’m still discontent. Right. So that’s that constant searching, right. That can get on our way. And it’s that doing mode that masculine energy mode operating from there more and more and more of the time that can be really dangerous.
Jenn DeWall:
That’s me! That’s me right now!
Michele Molitor:
So how do you get unstuck from the habit of busyness? Well, first awareness is key. So you get to notice what you’re feeling, right. And then what are the complaints and the grievances that are constantly rolling through your head, right. As she get them out of your head and you write them all down and you can start to look at them like, oh, okay. So then once you’ve identified them, then what’s the one thing you can learn from that group of grievances. What’s the common denominator, the common thread, right? So let that information educate you, and then find the wisdom in it, the gift in it. And then have some gratitude for it. Like, oh, let me learn from this and then have some gratitude for it. Because as you have gratitude, when you focus on gratitude instead, it’s, it’s a sneaky little way to create a little burst of happy chemicals in your brain, you know, your dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins.
So the more you can focus on what you’re grateful for instead of what you’re not grateful for. The more you can step into that happier place versus that place of discontent, right? So that’s number five.
Confidence Killer #4 – Getting Caught Up in What-Ifs
Michele Molitor:
Number four is getting caught in the swirl of what ifs. What if it goes wrong? What if I don’t do a good enough? What if I get fired? What if I get stuck on the side of the road? What if, what if, what if, and that continued down and did this spiral all the way down the rabbit hole of, oh my God, blah. Right. It can be really, really stressful. So the trick to that is play the, What If Up Game with yourself. So instead of what if-ing yourself down into the pit, you can,
what if yourself up? So what if I do a great job? What if I get a raise unexpectedly? What if a stranger helps me unexpectedly? What if I get a free cup of coffee today? You can just, you can just flip it, right. Instead of making yourself anxious, you can make yourself excited, right? Again, creating a little burst of happy chemicals in your brain and making you feel good versus, or crunchy. Right.
Jenn DeWall:
So if you’ve got a big meeting coming up, instead of saying, what if this doesn’t work or what if this goes wrong? It’s what if all of a sudden they buy more than I expected? What if all of a sudden, I, you know, do I build a new relationship that leads me to a new introduction. That is such, I love that advice, Michele. I think that’s so great because there are so many anxious people that are playing the what if down game, but they could just benefit by shifting into the excitement.
Michele Molitor:
Yes! And it’s as easy as that. Right. It can be just that quick. They go like, okay, this is the negative what if? What’s the positive what if? Just flip it and then you get to choose, right. Chocolate, vanilla, choose. Which one do you want? It’s just a choice. Right. Neither right or wrong. But which one feels better, right? Yeah.
Jenn DeWall:
You’re not gonna know either way until you do it!
Confidence Killer #3 – Toxic Environments
Michele Molitor:
Right. Right. Exactly. Exactly. So confidence, killer number three is toxic environments. How many here have ever worked at a toxic environment? That’s raising my, I see all those hands out there. Right. That’s why I work for myself now, because if I don’t like the client, I can fire them. If I don’t want to you know, it’s just that easy. So you get to start to look at, take a pause and look across the landscape of your life. Right. Do you have any toxic relationships in your family? Do you have any toxic relationship with friends? Do you have any toxic relationship with colleagues? Do you have a toxic home environment? Do you have a toxic work environment? Do you have a toxic community environment where it’s leaving you feeling depleted drained, crunchy, stressed, worried, fearful, right? If, if the energy or the receiving from those environments is having you tighten up into a ball and want to hide out, you probably got some toxicity going on in there. So you get to rate each one of those, right. On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being super toxic, 1 being not really big deal. Right. And anything over a five, you need to take a serious, hard look at like, Hmm, what do I need to do to change this? Right. And it might be stepping away from a friend or a colleague.
I used to have a colleague years ago that I worked with, it was a negative Nelly blank and blank and blank complaint. And finally, one day I was like, wow, it sounds like you’re having really bad day. I have to go now, but I hope that gets better for you. So when you don’t buy into it instead of, oh my God, you’re right. Oh, that’s so horrible. Right. You’re basically feeding that negative Nelly. You’re feeding that toxicity. Right. But when you, I always say, just put on your coating of Teflon. Like, I’m really sorry, you’re having a bad day, but I got to go. Right. And you just leave them with their toxic present that they’re trying to hand off to you because they don’t want it. They are like here, take my poop. No, no, thanks. I really don’t want your poop today, but you have good day with that. Right? Blessings and love. And I got to go, right.
And so nine times out of 10, that person who’s got that toxic stuff that they’re trying to offload. Right. Because they don’t know how to process it. They don’t know how to be with it. They’ll go find somebody else to give it to. Right. So it enables you to raise your vibration. Right. And they’re going to go wherever they’re going to go.
Jenn DeWall:
I think that one’s so important because I just had this conversation with with a friend and she’s like, well, I can’t, you know, I’m so sick of my organization. It’s so toxic. People complain all the time. Well, you know what? Like you, you can like, I’ll call her Julia for lack of that. Like, Julia, you actually can separate from that individual. But there are so many people that use the excuse. Like, no I can’t, no I can’t. Yes you can. And if you aren’t just handcuffed to that person to hear their negative their negative response and take their, their gift. And I want, if you’re making that excuse to like, you are not handcuffed to that person, you can say, I love that- love and blessings to you, but I’ve got to go. It sounds like you’re having a rough day. So you’re thinking in your head that you can’t do that. You absolutely can. That’s just an excuse for not having accountability for dealing with that.
Michele Molitor:
Right. And, and I will say, I will say there are situations, right? For example, and this is an extreme, but you know, let’s say if you’re a woman in an abusive relationship, right there, there are these situations where it can be dangerous to try and leave. Right. And so you have to, you have to seek out the right help to be able to do that. Like making connections at an abused woman’s shelter, for example, so that you can do that and make sure that you’re safe. Right. Because we want everyone to be safe too. So, but in the work environment, right. It’s important to know that there are ways to maneuver through those waters, even if you’ve got a toxic boss. Right. it’s challenging, but it, but it can be done. And it, a lot of it has to do with you and how you’re standing in your confidence and how you’re responding versus reacting to their negativity. Right. There’s a big difference. You’ve got the knee jerk reaction and then you’ve got a thoughtful, let me take a breath and then respond. Right. So that could be a whole other conversation.
Confidence Killer #2 – Focusing on Your Failures
Michele Molitor:
So toxic confident killer. Number two is focusing on your failures. How often do we do this? Oh, I should have done this. Right. Oh, I could have done that. Oh. And we spin and spin and spin. And we spin because we forgot to cross the T or dot the I on the PowerPoint. And, oh my gosh, there was a typo. Right. and some people that’ll send them into a complete spin out, but in the big scheme of things, is it really gonna make a big difference? No. The best way to reframe it, I found is to think about it as if you were looking back on your life from your deathbed and in the grand scheme of things, how important is that thing that you’re spinning about? Right. And it gives you a whole different perspective. This is kind of a silly example, but I was talking to a dear friend of mine one day and I was like, oh gosh, I’m having such a bad hair day. She’s like, girl, any day you have hair is a good hair day. She’s a five time cancer survivor. Five times. I was like, oh, Mike drop. Right. I got great hair. I love my hair. Thank you. I have hair. Right. So it’s all in the perspective. It can change in an instant.
Jenn DeWall:
Yes. Oh my gosh. Picture if that was your last day. How would you want to spend it worrying about that? You know, probably not. That’s a fantastic reminder. Yeah.
Confidence Killer #3 – Believing You Are Not Enough
Michele Molitor:
And then last but not least the ever popular number one confidence killer of all time is- I’m not enough. That belief, I’m not enough. I’m not worthy. I’m not deserving. I don’t provide value. All of that is kind of rolled up into that. I’m not enough simple statement. And it took me years and years and thousands of dollars of coaching and therapy and workshops and whatnot, to recognize that at the heart of my own stuff was that simple phrase. I was like, whoa, like mind blown kind of moment. And when you start to rewrite that and know I am enough, I am enough. I am enough, put little stickies, all of your house, put it in your car, sing a little tune to yourself, whatever you want. But the more you say it to yourself, right? The more it becomes true for you because your mind likes repetition. Right? Literally the more you think a thought, the more hard wired, those thoughts become a new neural pathways, right? So the more you remind yourself that you are enough, the more true it becomes for you.
And the more true it becomes for you, the more you own it, the more you stand more confidently, you stand taller, proud to be who you are and do what you do in the world. I had one client who came to me and through our work together, she cleared out these confidence blocks that she had, right? Like that. And her husband of 30 years was like, what did you do? You look different, you look taller. Like, like he’s like, you’ll look taller. What did you, what do you have on shoes? She’s like, no, just smiling right? Because when you really take back your power from that, I’m not enough fear. You really do. It’s like your energy expands and you’re right. Makes a huge difference. And again, it’s that intangible. Something’s different. What did you do? You look really radiant. It’s like when we, we see a woman who’s pregnant, right? You might not know she’s pregnant, but they got that glow to them because their energy is very, very different. So that’s what I love about the work that they do. It’s this really subtle work sometimes that you can’t put your finger on, but it makes a huge, huge difference for people and, and the happiness, the joy, the peace of mind that they feel, because they’re able to let go of this belief. I’m not enough. I’m not worthy. It creates anxiety, depression, physical ailments, and so much more. And it’s just, it’s really a gift to be able to do this work and to help so many people move that junk out of their trunks so they can live the life. They’re here to live in and be of service and the way they’re here to be of service.
Jenn DeWall:
Gosh, I, you know, I think I love that final closing message of helping people recognize that you are absolutely more than enough. And I hope if there’s one thing everyone takes from this today, even though you’ve dropped so many valuable tools, tidbits, techniques, you know, just that reminder that you are more than enough, any thing you’ve ever heard or been told in any way, like you are more than enough, Michele, how can people get in touch with you?
How to Get in Touch with Michele
Michele Molitor:
Well you can always come visit me at MicheleMolitor.com, M I C H E L E M O L I T O R .com. And if you’re curious and you want to have a chat, I’m happy to have a complimentary discovery call with you. You can book it there on my website. And you know, you can find me on LinkedIn. You can find me on Facebook and Instagram. I have a fun group in Facebook called Rewire for Success, always dropping helpful tips and hints and inspirations there for folks. So yeah, and I just recently published my latest and greatest ebook called, Do You Have Imposter Syndrome? Six Triggers That Can Crush Your Confidence. So come to my website, you can download that for free and yeah. Happy to have a chat with folks.
Jenn DeWall:
Michele, thank you so much for taking your time to just share your insights and experience with The Leadership Habit audience. I am so grateful for you, and I’m just grateful that you could give everyone that reminder again, that they are enough and that they need to start tapping into that unconscious to create their success. Thank you so much for being here.
Michele Molitor:
Oh, thank you. It’s been my real pleasure. Jenn, as always, to talk with you. Thank you.
Jenn DeWall:
Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of The Leadership Habit with Michele Molitor. You can connect with Michele at nectarconsulting.com. You can also connect with her in her personal wellbeing website at MicheleMolitor.com. And there you can book your complimentary discovery call and you can also find her newest book on imposter syndrome. In addition, if you want to check out her bestselling book, Breakthrough Healing, you can find it on Amazon. Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of The Leadership Habit. Until next time.
